Month: November 2010

Not a joke per se but this is rather funny; a friend sent this to me awhile back – this was best 10 in a longer list.   Supposedly (so they say), these are actual answers to questions asked in last year’s GED examination; appearnetly these are genuine answers from 16 and 17 year olds.  Someone else added their own comments to some of them shown in italics below.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.   (Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.  (Julius Seizure…I came, I saw, I had a fit!)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.  (Irrefutable!)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.   (Brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Don’t let these little jokes stop you from taking to the skies….
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.